Always good to remember...

Bill's 11 rules:
Our thanks to Bill Gates. This is a list of 11 things kids do not learn in school. In his book, Bill Gates talks about how feel-good, politically-correct teaching has created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept sets them up for failure in the real world. The opinions expressed here are not necessarily those of the webmaster.
RULE 1
Life is not fair; get used to it.
RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a cell phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
RULE 6
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try "delousing" the closet in your own room.
RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Wonderful Coca Cola
1. You can put a t-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
2. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl... Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.
3. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, And run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
9. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
10. To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.
11. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!
Drink up!
 
 
I've learned
I've learned...
that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned...
that when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned...
that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've learned...
that I feel better about myself when I make others feel better about themselves.
I've learned...
that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned...
that what we have done for ourselves alone dies with us. What we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.
I've learned...
that one sincere apology is worth more than all the roses money can buy.
I've learned...
that being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned...
that you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned...
that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned...
that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned...
that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned...
that money doesn't buy class.
I've learned...
that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned...
that once a relationship is over, if you experienced more smiles than tears, then it wasn't a waste of time.
I've learned...
that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned...
never to humiliate another person. Always give him an honorable way to back down or out of something and still save face.
I've learned...
that if you are still talking about what you did yesterday, you haven't done much today.
I've learned...
that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned...
that the older I get, the smarter my parents become.
I've learned...
that love, not time, heals all wounds.
 
 
Adult proverbs
 
 
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was going to blame you.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a slow-leaking tire.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
 
 
BABY BOOMERs: the 1960s vs the 2000s
Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair.
Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.
Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.
Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.
Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.
Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.
Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.
Then: "Whatever"
Now: "Depends"
 
 
Do you like puns?
Sometimes a pencil sharpener is needed in order to make a good point.
Let's talk about rights and lefts. You're right so I left.
An insulting telegram is a barbed wire.
The sign language teacher was very good with her hands.
Packing up and relocating to a new home can be a moving experience.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
A guy who crosses the ocean twice without a shower is a dirty double crosser.
People who live in the mountains have their own viewpoint.
Soon after Sam and Ella got married they experienced food poisoning.
Some people don't like food going to waist.
Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded.
Old programmers never die; they just can't C as well.
In a recession, the most secure job is garbage-man. Business is always picking up.
The cannibal passed his brother in the woods.
Some burglars are always looking for windows of opportunity.

Funny quotes:

I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.

It’s not cheating unless you get caught.

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.

I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Avoid hangovers: stay drunk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life !

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

I’m knot a blonde! I’m knot, I’m knot, I’m knot!

Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

I’ve got problem for your solution…

Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?”

Your school GPA is inversely proportionate to your girlfriend’s looks and vise versa.

Everyone has a photographic memory… some just don’t have film.

Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.

All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again ?

Wise quotes:

Knowledge talks, wisdom listens.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me !

Only the wisest and the stupidest of men never change.

Don’t let your victories go to your head, or your failures go to your heart.

Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it.

Criticizing is easy, art is difficult.

Violence won’t solve a thing. It makes it more challenging to solve, though.

I don’t know what the key to success is, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

Not to care for philosophy is to be a true philospher.

The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open.

The best mind-altering drug is truth.

Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.

A winner listens, a loser just waits untill it is their turn to talk.

Guns don’t kill people — people do.

He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.

If you are not part of the cure, then you are part of the problem.

The only time you run out of chances is when you stop taking them.

The best things in life are not things.

Witty quotes:

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Of course, it’s very easy to be witty tomorrow, after you get a chance to do some research and rehearse your ad libs.

You can’t be late until you show up.

The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

We can forgive those who bore us. We cannot forgive those whom we bore.

Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.

As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.

Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.

You never learn anything by doing it right.

Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.

Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.

It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

I once prayed to god for a car, but quickly found out he didnt work that way…so I stole a car and prayed for his forgiveness

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

He’s so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.

Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

 

W.I.C.O.E.

 

 

Women will love this but their husbands won't!
The holidays are coming up..a perfect gift for husbands or husbands of friends. Gift certificates available..
          W.I.C.O.E.          (Women In Charge Of Everything)          is proud to announce the opening of its!
         EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
         OPEN TO MEN ONLY
         Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
         The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
         DAY ONE
         HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
         Step by step guide with slide presentation
         TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
         Roundtable discussion
         DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
         Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
         DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR
DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
         Debate among a panel of experts.
         REMOTE CONTROL
         Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
         LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
         Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house
upside down while screaming - Open forum
         DAY TWO
         EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
         Group discussion and role play
         HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
         PowerPoint presentation
         REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
         Real life ! testimonial from the one man who did
         IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
         Driving simulation
         LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR
PARTNER
         Online class and role playing
         HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
         Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
         REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
         Bring your calendar or PDA to class
         GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
         Individual counselors available